Shame on Me, Shame on You

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I just got back from my morning bike ride, before my kids got up.  Pulling into the driveway, I felt the house front looked bland.  So after parking my bike and dropping my helmet, I went down to the basement and dug through my decorative outdoor flags, and found one perfect for the end of summer.  It had big yellow sunflowers on it, and the top read “Follow the Son.”

Yes, I’m a Christian. Not sure if you could tell from my blogs.  I wasn’t raised in a Christian home, but started attending a church at college, and at age 25 I decided to formally dedicate my life to Jesus and God, as I knew them.  I and a small infant were baptized together, without my family as I was far from home, in an outdoor garden behind the sanctuary.  There I started my new life following occasionally, with varying devotion waning and ebbing through he years, Jesus, in various inept and ept ways.

So I wanted to put this Sunflower flag up – but a tinge of shame came over me. A ting that has hung since I started the divorce process.  I caught myself asking myself, “Am I Christian enough, being divorced, to proclaim Christ so boldly from the front of my house, when neighbors know I just divorced?”  Now I’m not a far right Christian who bashes abortion clinics, but I do believe sharing Christ’s love in my most inept ways, so as not to be greedy and keep the secret of his transforming love to myself.

Then Christian my logic took hold, and I thought.

A. Yes, we are all sinners – daily – so BLAST to that thought.  Despite what my young daughter who doesn’t get the divorce, and despite what my bible study leader once said without knowing I was considering divorce, “I think divorce is the biggest sin out there,”  (needless to say I had to say goodbye to those friends for the time.)

B. Divorce is not always a sin, and I sincerely felt after years of prayer and visiting clergy, that I wasn’t sinning.

C. 50 % of people divorce in America.  We can’t all be going to HELL.

So I’ve got plenty of company (well perhaps not in my small town neighborhood where I haven’t heard of divorce among my acquaintances here – and none of my daughters friends parents are divorce.  NONE.

D. So I made myself put up the flag – perhaps like a transgender makes themselves go to a party in clothes that express themselves.  I’m not transgender, but with Caitlyn Jenner, I mean, or others – I’m guessing that takes a lot of energy.  I wonder if it ever goes away. If she ever will walk in a room and not think, what are others thinking of me?  I wonder if she’ll ever just go in a room and think, i’m just going to enjoy myself.   

Really, – in so many way my church friends have been silently supportive and tremendously helpful – no matter what they think of my choice  It’s just that when I”m downtown, seeing my mom friends all over who I and my children grew up with, who are still married, I can’t help but think they think, here comes ….., she’s divorced now. Now don’t call me paranoid, cause I know it’s true. How?

A. Because no one, I mean no one, invites me to couples house parties anymore – thus I don’t see these friends.  Even the ones who are kind of close.  You might think, oh, they just don’t want me to feel left out.  Helloooo – a good friend would discuss it with me – not just stop inviting.  Okay, so these arn’t the closest friends.  Point being made – they see me as whole new entity. They changed how they treat me.

B. I forgot B – getting myself upset by a.  But it will come back eventually, and you’ll hear about it. 🙂

Energy of the divorce – suffering, making the choice, dealing with spouse and initial chaos. dealing with lawyers, ughhhh.  But the energy to watch what you let your mind think.  That’s a big one.

Time to get breakfast ready for kids.  Good day wishes to you.

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About Dee

I teach English at a local community college and am raising two children; I like to paint, write, pray, read, hike and travel.
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